I was in a bright clinic room when both my parents were standing besides me, holding both my hands, nervously. I could feel their cold, shaking hands when the doctor who was sitting opposite us examined the report which was attached with my X-ray.
My mouth was dried and my breathing was inconsistent. I could feel great tense on my forehead whenever the doctor gave out a few big sighs while his eyes still focusing on the report. There were butterflies in my stomach.
“He was torturing me”, I spoke to myself.
Before I managed to whisper something to my mum’s ear, the doctor placed the report carefully on the silver-in-colour table, following with another loud sigh and this time, his face was facing the 3 of us.
He told us in a serious tone, “You only left 3 days to live. I am sorry”.
Like today, tomorrow and another tomorrow? Or tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow?
Mum started to cried while dad trying to hug the both of us. I.. I didn’t give any reaction because… I was lost at that moment. The inner speech, “tomorrow I will die” keeps on spinning around my mind. A great sense of regret hit me because I just realized I have not done anything for myself, my family and people around me. I haven’t be a counselor, I haven’t get married, I haven’t bring my dad for a World Cup football match and I haven’t get mum her favorite jewellery. I haven’t open up my own counseling firm… and the list go on..
Hot tears streamed down my cheeks. I wasn’t ready to face my death. It was too soon – like 3 days. What can I do in these 3 days when I have so much dreams waiting me to accomplish?
Before I managed to turn myself to my parents, I felt my body shaking vigorously. I heard my name, being called from another planet (well, I thought so) – so dreamy.
Slowly and gradually, the voices were clearly heard while my eyes squinted at the bright sunlights which passed through the window. It was mum. I was obviously late for something.
Well, long story short. It was actually a nightmare. I mean, it was one of my unforgettable dreams. I don’t mean to scare you or in an attempt to write an essay entitled “My Nightmare”.
No, no no.. That is so yesterday. And, I don’t mean to frighten some of you here (especially to my friends and family members) as I….. really don’t mean to scare you. Nuff said.
Of course, I have reason for this.
Lately, I have a relative who is at critical stage of lungs cancer. My family and I only knew this few days ago. All of us were putting ourselves in ‘silence mode’ for days, not knowing what to say or how to react towards the bad news. Seriously, we aren’t prepare for such a bad news as she is so young (30’s) and still has a child to take care of.
The feeling of receiving a bad news from my relative is as bad as my nightmare. “You only have 3 days to live”.
That kind of emotional roller-coaster ride is an unbearable feeling to myself. It is like a director forces you to quite a play when you are so enthusiastic about the whole performance. It is like a referee giving out a red card, stopping an innocent football player who is so enthusiastic in winning, from stepping into the field anymore. Of course, the news of prediction of death is far worse than the above examples.
I have been doing a lot of traveling in these few days. My family and I realize how important it is to give family support to the mentioned relative. We know that this will be the toughest battleground of hers: might be the first or last. No one knows.
We don’t know when her body will shut down her whole biological system, or when will God bring her away. Neither nor I know when will I leave too as I have this death awareness ever since my grandma’s death.
This incident has pushed me to work harder towards my goal as I am trying to make full use of my ‘remaining time’ and appreciate every moment I have with people around me. My ‘Nightmare’ has created an insight in me, alarming me that I should start putting thoughts into action. I did ask myself one evening that, what happen if ‘the incident’ really happen to me on future? What happen if I really face some kind of life-threatening cases (cancer, accident, killed and etc).
How about my goals? How about my dreams? How about my family?
You see, I don’t wanna leave this world with regrets or feeling dissatisfy for not doing anything good for the world/society. I don’t wanna go without leaving anything good or beneficial for the people (or at least for my friends and family).
That’s when I realized that I can actually reach my goal in everyday. There are some small goals which I can fulfilled first before moving into a bigger one. Small goal like writing a post before I sleep is a goal that I want to achieve. And big goal is like writing few dozens of good book *wink*
I guess, by doing so, I can actually save myself from procrastinating, push myself to reach my goal in an effective way and love people around me. I value life, I value one’s determination in fighting to survive, I value loving relationship among the people.
This is supposed to be a sad post. Somehow, I feel like it has turned into something motivating, or something positive. I don’t know if this has sounded humiliating to my cousin’s incident. I hope not.
I really feel worried over her and her 5 year-old-daughter. I can’t imagine how this 5 year-old child will be if… well… emm…
All I can do is to keep on praying to God and giving her family support, hoping that she will be able to face this challenge. God bless her and her family. Amitabha..
P/s: Take good care of your health my dear readers.