18 November 2009

The Unspoken Dark Secret

There were times I feel bad about myself in which I fail to see any good sides of me. In fact, it happens once in a while like the waves, showing ups and downs every time the winds come. I guess, some of you who know me well in real life might be surprised reading this phrase, “fail to see any good sides of me” because I may look so confident at times. You might be shocked if I start revealing one of the darkest secrets of me in the next following paragraph. Something which I rarely voice out to my close friends, not even my family. So, please keep this silence moment for me because Ms CurryEgg has something to tell.


 I remember years ago when I was still a teenager, I didn’t like myself at all. One of the aspects which I dislike the most is my physical look. I hate to have single eye lids, hate my short height, hate my small boobs, hate those volcanic pimples conquering on my once-upon-a-time smooth face and hate my teeth. Besides the dissatisfaction over my physical appearance, I hate my personality. I was told that I was sometimes hot-tempered and self-centered. Not knowing who exactly I was, I started evaluating my relationship with others – it was negative. At the same time, I felt so dumb about my IQ level as I was not a smart girl and always achieved an average result in class. Plus, I was not active with any co-curriculum activity, except those which related to art.


So, these 3 aspects which related to beauty, personality and intelligent scored bad points and soon leaded me to self-hatred.




It started to make me admire and envy those who are sociable, beautiful, confident and intelligent be it my classmates, school mates, relatives, friends or even artists. These people share the same qualities which are having adorable features, good body figure, incredible talents, wise in handling with people, respectable leadership and etc. They are just so perfect and I wished to be like them.


Sometimes, I did compare myself with the ‘perfect them’. The more I compared myself with them, the worse I feel. I used to perceive I was worthless and ordinary, nothing to feel proud about my own achievement. In fact, I didn’t think I had achieved any spectacular achievement during in my teen age, except being a class monitor and assistant monitor for 5 years.




I have learned from the experts (especially the Psychologists) saying that it was normal to have negative self-concept during teen age life because it is the most critical and unstable moment. If you manage to overcome all those negative self-talk in you, you will be a healthy and happy adolescence or else, vice versa happens. Well, I am not sure how far this finding is right. Anyway, I would say this idea fits my teen age story pretty well after going through those unfavorable moments. Now, I love and accept myself more because I realize that I am unique.


I have forgotten how I managed to face those negativities in me, those challenges. I don’t even aware of how I changed and transformed – from self hating to self loving. But one thing for sure, the journey is long and tough. It doesn’t happen in one day or one year, but it is a continuous commitment and effort in more than 7 years. Frankly, I wouldn’t know how far I have changed if not because of these sweet testimonials from my coursemates who know after my ‘weak moment’.


From Aileen and Angel:  Handmade birthday card.. :)


From my coursemates: The Birthday Card



From Shu Huan: Birthday Card




From Shu Huan: Exam wish card.




P/s: Sorry to reveal your messages here (if it is private for you) as I have this urge to snap and post them in my blog. Who know, in another few years I might encounter memory lost due to accident or health problem. This blog will be a good place for me to retrieve all my past and memory. Except if 2012 happens.. choi!

P/s/s: By the way, every word from you have really melted my heart. Thanks for your sincerity and generosity of words.. *hugs*



I wouldn’t  be afraid to disclose myself over this matter because I wish to let my friends know that I am not a perfect person and I am still working with my self-confident and self-esteem. Believe it or not, I still wish to have double eye lids instead of single pairs. They make me look like sleepy and unattractive. Lol..




What are those pink stuff on my eyes? Well, they are eye clips invented by the Japanese. I shall share this in details in my next following post about my silly story.. =P


Curry Egg or Kelly Tan is just a human like anybody else who need love and support from others. Thanks for accepting me as whoever I am right now. I am blessed to have you guys in my life. At the same time, I wish to let my readers who can connect to my story and is facing this issue will not give up on yourself as we can always change and improve from time to time. Always believe in yourself that you are unique and deserve to be cared, respected and loved.



I love CurryEgg always. Yum yum~