I have never felt that I’m a filial daughter.
Not once, as much as I could remember.
Checked from Oxford Dictionary:
Filial - adj. connected with the way children behave towards their parents
I had never shown my affection towards my parents, especially to my dad because I was not taught to be so since I was small. The only way I show love is through scolding, anger, passiveness and spending weekend/holiday together – as that are what my parents’ generation believe in. Besides, he is in the opposite gender – basically he is a male. Duh.
Picture was taken last week. Brought my dslr along but without memory card. It was my greatest disappointment of the day because I couldn’t snap their pictures except using phone #failed daughter.
Hence, I grown up and become a very shy person when it comes to expressing myself to someone whom I’ve never said to, “I miss you. I love you dad. I can’t live without you. I like what you did for me. You’re my hero. Thank you dad for everything”. Why? Because, it sounds terribly weird when you’d never appeared to be sentimental and you suddenly become one. Don’t you think so?
It’s just weird.. *enough emphasizing the weird word*
When I was small, I remembered I did make cards for my parents every single event such as birthday, mother’s day, father’s day and parents’ anniversary with my heart-shape handmade card, sticky man and wrong spelling wishes (my mum still kept some of them. now when i see them, i feel so shy and dumb. lol..).
I wrote ‘love you’ all over the place and sometimes I will write a sincere sentence, asking for forgiveness if I’d ever done something hurtful and wrong (especially when I was hopeful that my mum will stop canning me =P). Well, how did a 5 year old girl learnt to write such words? If I remembered it correctly, it learned this ‘skill’ from my kindergarten teachers. Or, because my friends taught me so? Can’t really remember.
The moment right after my mum or dad read the letter or card, I will pretend nothing ever happened. There was no card sent. There was no such message. There was no such drawing from me. My parents will treat me differently for a day and I was so happy but I was too shy to show my feeling. So, I pretended and be cool till parents became scary again.. >.<
P/s: That’s why, I teach myself to express my love and affection (learned from Counseling and Psychology classes) to my partner and best friends at early stage so that the words will flow fluently and meaningfully throughout the years. I don’t want to be like my parents and the older generation who are not being expressive in saying loving and caring words.
Because I am the only child in the family. So, both of my parents treat me very strictly (not so much on dad part). I understood that they want the best for me so that I’ll have a smooth, happy life. Thus, my parents will try their best to protect me. At times, I became rebellious and put a deaf ear on their advices especially during in my teenage period. Well, we did right? Don’t you deny :)
Even till today, I still pretended that I don’t care much for them because….. It is just hard for me to say, ‘Mum, dad.. I love you’.. OMG! It kills me to say directly to them because my face and ears will turn all red and the heat will cause me fever. Ok lah.. maybe I’m too exaggerate my sentence but really, I can’t..
But recently, there is one thing which I am very proud of myself – is when I’m capable to bring my parents to quality and expensive place for good food and atmosphere using my own earning. The feeling is like wanting to shout out to the world and say that, “I am capable to bring my mum and dad for good food with my own sweat money”.
In Chinese, ‘sweat money’ means hard earn money.
I celebrated their wedding anniversary at Chocolate Lounge and Father’s Day at Bavarian Bierhuas. Of course, it is not the price that matter. It is the quality time that we spent together while looking at their touching eyes. Probably they’re thinking that, “My daughter has finally grown up and she is proven not stingy!”. On the other hand, I am touched as well because my parents will still care for my wallet and they tried to order the cheapest drink and meal available on the menu *I’m so lucky*.
Dad with his signature expression XD
A simple joy and happiness are gained from the experience though after the nights, I still treated them normally. I hope, they know that at least I do care for them although I don’t express myself verbally.
And, I have never expected them to read this post (because they don’t have a clue about my blog), especially my dad as this post is dedicated for him on this very special Father’s Day celebration.
Happy Father’s Day daddy.
You’re the best dad in the world. I love you.
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This post is inspired by this videoclip. It is a Thai commercial and I find it real touching and meaningful. To all the daddy out there, Happy Father’s day. To all the son and daughter, love your parents. Don’t be like me. Express more of yourself whenever you can <3
P/s/s: I always like Thai commercial clip. There are so creative!
P/s/s/s: Mum, don’t worry. I love you too.