The Awaiting Enlightment In Siem Reap

 

About 10 days ago, I had decided to purchase flight tickets to Siem Reap, Cambodia where my friends are planning for another round of back packing experiences. It was a sudden plan when my inner self is craving for a new adventure for self-exploration and learning in a different environment, while also to accomplish my early age dream to visit Angkor Watt #oneday.

 

I am glad to made this decision as I enjoy myself in this mysterious town with a bunch of wonderful companies. I had never known that I am capable of riding on the motorbike all by myself from the airport till the backpacker homestay. It was a 20 minutes journey where we both with a hand luggage secured by his legs passing by hectares of quiet lands.

 

I did not know that I could make friend easily with other backpackers from Taiwan, Japan, Spain, China and Korea where we met in different places either in the homestay, temples, night market or restaurant.

 

I did not know that I could journal my experiences almost instantly through notebook, photos, instagram, facebook and blog. I thought, I will leave a peaceful life without technology and internet at least a week.

 

I did not know that I could be empathetic and having high sense of curiosity over the life of the local people in Cambodia. I have heard a lot of stories about life of local people in Cambodia and now, having my personal experiences has formed a richer and clearer pictures.

 

I can even connect with myself better when I am stepping into each area in Siem Reap – not just in the Angkor Watt Heritage Centre but the housing area as well.

 

And, I find peace and enlighten in Angkor Watt and I really appreciate my experiences so far. Everyday, is like a new chapter awaiting me to explore and discover more so that I can complete and collect the very chapter at the end of the day.

 

 

May these peacefulness and mindfulness in me stay longer…….

Inner Voice Speaks

As the age grow older, I find myself not fancy attention from the public as much as I used to be. Well, I have to admit that I still like attention but only from people who are closed to me. I guess, this is called aging….

Aging…….

It is an enlightening Tuesday, and I have the urge to blog today – just to let my mind to be at ease with the environment which I am currently sitting with good companies next to me.

I visited the temple this morning for prayer. My heart was dancing in joy as I woke up this morning and I was delighted for the whole day. Today is Wesak Day and I gained peace and enlightenment during in the temple. It has been quite some times since I stepped into the temple with a feather-light heart.

No images of work. No pressure. Just an empty soul.

 

Childhood memories were unexpectedly recalled when I was pouring the flower water onto the little Buddha body. The excitement upon receiving the yellow blessing string came naturally to me because when I was a little girl, I used to think that God will give me special protection from the evil and save me from any danger. I even had the thought that if I pray sincerely to God without any intention for return, I am a good girl and people around me will love me more. I guess, I haven’t reached 12 that time?

P/s: I still have such feeling and knowing that God’s power is beyond measure and I am always been guided and protected.

I was holding my palms together and closed my eyes in a meditative manner. I secretly send telepathy to my own brain, “Eggie, you have grown up! Look at you. You are 158cm tall now (not 80cm) with a husband, a family and a career. You are a woman!”.

It felt so good to remain silent for at least 45 minutes and being prayerful. I am certainly amazed by how far I have travelled till today. I know that I wouldn’t be able to be who I am today, and be where I am today without the blessing, guidance and loves from God and people around me. I know that I wouldn’t be able to grow as fast as I could without disappointment, struggles and challenges from people and environments.

Issue is indeed a constant lesson.
Experiences are indeed the best teacher.
People are indeed the best reflection of self.
Life is indeed unexplainable miracle.

While the chanting continued by the monks, images of important people flashed in my mind. Secretly, I reflected over the good deeds done by each of them and ended each image with gratitude and best wishes for them. I didn’t know how and why I did that but it just happened naturally – like I am at the end of my life and I am leaving my last words.

I love how it feels at the end of the prayer. It reminds me of how I used to feel when I was still a child being very curious and innocent with everything and everyone around me. It feels almost like a reborn of spirit and hopes for the future. Or, like a reformatted computer?

I spent a good afternoon with new companies today at a very interesting cafe (which I am sitting currently) and they are Sue, Lexie and Jane. The coffee aroma and warm ambiance inspired me to open up my laptop and blog again. I love this feeling and I am thankful for the simplicity of happiness gained today.

 

Trying out the frame in the shop that sells at the price of RM99….. emm…

 

Ohh… before ending this post, one #selfie from the 4 of us or it seems incomplete for the year 2014 trends.

Happy Wesak day to all my Buddhist friends.
Happy weekdays for all my readers. You are being missed

 

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Live Life To The Fullest

This is my first time updating my blog using my phone. It feels pretty uncomfortable because of its size. Anyway, it's good to try other alternative to have my self-talk before the sleep takes over.

Sorry for not updating my blog as often as I used to be though deep inside me, I always wanted to share my latest thoughts and experiences. There are so many things I wanna share here however, when time, energy and work are taken into further consideration, I become demotivated. Marking books or lesson planning seem to be a smarter choice of spending the night before sleep.

Ok, lets put aside of my work and read my thoughts. When I was a counseling student, I always worried that my public visibility in the blogosphere or in the social media will affect my professionalism as a counsellor. Imagine if a client who read your blog come to you and receive counseling services while in his or hers mind know the romantic proposal you have or food that you dislike. That is against the ethics as counseling should not be in dual relationships.

Now that I am a teacher in these 2 years of fellowship, i hVe different worries. I am concerned that the posts I wrote and will write might affect my students respond towards me as and individual and my teaching. It is hard to imagine to let the students see another side(s) of the teacher when they should focus more in their own learning and development.

Well, being in my second year of teaching, I am happy to share that I M happy to just be myself whether in the offline or online world because I am genuine from the inside out. The person whom I am in the classroom is the same as in the staff room. The person who is refilling fuel in the petrol station is the same as the person who went to Bangkok to have an amazing trip. The person who cried over a sad Hong Kong drama series is still the same S the person who is blogging here. Probably the only difference is the name: from Kai Lee to Kelly and from Kelly to curryegg.

Gaining insights and wisdoms throughout the years have taught me to appreciate and accepting myself as an unique individual. Besides, I have learnt to treat my life as my learning platform. Hence, I become more relaxed and love being the person I love to be.

I love this self love experiences. Guess that's why I could live life to the fullest despite of the daily ups and downs I am facing. Thank you for still reading and following my blog. This is something I would want to treasure the most.

Just a quick sharing. During in the beginning of the year my 5 classes, I have proudly and confidently told my students that my new year resolution and by big goal for this year is to see them transform and write their success stories in my book.

That is a promise I made to myself and to them. I don't know why the idea struck me. Well, I think it has been keeping somewhere in my brain that I have never discovered. Hence, I will start my little project by first updating my blog and shared it publicly andouille so that I start working on it.

Here is a picture I took on last Sunday in Publika, KL. I love it so much! Nice?

Simplicity Is What I’m Seeking Now

Hi dear all.

How are you lately? It is already Thursday.
I believe most of you love the idea where Friday is soon to be approaching? Well, I don’t because it means that my holiday is going to end very soon. The enjoyment taste by the students are almost equal to the teachers – just not as relaxing as they are because we still work at home such as marking and grading papers, make lesson plans and etc.

Another sad thing to say is  that my next coming holiday will be on the 3rd week of December – 1 month for training and 2 weeks  of holiday before school reopen again. But normally school will take up 1 week for school meeting. So, I only have roughly 1 week before new year…. wuohhhh…. T.T *sneeze on tissue, again.. and again..*

 

In these 1.5 weeks, I have spent my time properly with people whom I loved as well as myself. I have designed a lot of ‘Me Time’ – though most of the time I was working on assignment and paper grading.

Taken in the car while calv was driving.

 

During on my ‘Me Time’, I had done a lot of self-talk and self reflection. For example, I made myself run at the park yesterday, alone with my ponytail tied up and sport shoes feet on. It was a therapeutic moment where I calmly connecting with my self without any distraction exclude the ‘sexy’ image portrayed by an uncle in singlet >.<. Along the gasping-for-air moment, I was thinking deeply on what I want to do next.

 

I know very well that I am actually in a new chapter – no longer a student and no longer a jobless girl. I have a full time job with 2 years of commitment (to be exact, 1.5 years left) as a Teach For Malaysia fellow. Besides, I am also a soon to be 1 year old girlfriend to my partner (omg! i thought we are longer than that!) where future planning is already on discussion.

 

A lot of incident happens within this 1 year and looking back on what I had been through, I privately whispered to myself, “Girl, it is worth the journey despites of all the stormy and raining days I had crawled over”. Occasionally, I will read this post again and again ‘Experiences Are The Best Teacher’ especially during at my down moment to remind me that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. As long as we don’t give up on what we believe in and keep on fighting, we will achieve what we want in the end of the day.

 

Probably I have grown up (slightly more), I enjoy simplicity of life. My drama-ness has reduced and my narcissistic trait has been toned down compare to many years ago. I don’t know why. Maybe it is due to my age? Or due to the exposure I received right now? I am more into vintage and non-complicated stuff. Or called it a trend?

Emm.. I don’t know. Maybe I should just embrace this feeling till the day I want to change again.. or not.

 

As you can see, I have changed my blog layout. I spent nearly 2 hours, trial and error to find the best design I want using the photos I have and html prior knowledge that I still have. Currently, I switched to the blogger free template and include a photo of mine to personalize this site.

 

I am not worrying if I get a large number of readership anymore compare to years before this because the idea of becoming a celebrity and earning big bucks through online do not attract me. My equation before this is:

 

 

High number of visitors = Popular = Received more ads = Earn more $

 

 

Haha.. well, it is obviously a wrong equation for me as I am not consistent in my writing and I am not bold enough. I used to worry if I don’t update my blog, my readers will leave and gone forever. As a result, I wrote mostly for others and not for myself which is now to think about it, it is wrong because I didn’t enjoy blogging as much as before. Thus, the long disappearance took place and now, I am back with a clearer mission and vision. I am here to do what I am interested with and not being interesting (Jacqueline Novogratz, 2012). I had already lost my readership and I have nothing else to loss.

 

What I am more concerned now is, I have lost the interest in journaling due to teacher’s burnout effect! I should continue, especially now when I am in my 2 years journey which once gone, forever gone experiences. I want to blog whatever experiences I gained from now on so that when I have children one day, I can prove to them that mama is a loving lady who love their daddy just the way he is. Even to answer their curiosity about the idea of creativity, dedication and success as a teacher or student. Or one day, when I was old, I could look back what I have been through and peacefully sleep on my deathbed. Well, who knows right?

 

Well, enough of mumbling. I should go to sleep. I am glad that I am still keeping my expressive side after so many months of quietness. Miss the old eggie ;)

Is Stress Part Of Teaching?

Recently, I am pretty disturbed with my own mind.
The same list of self-talks conversed among my neuron cells happened ever since the second week of school.

 

Questions like:

“How could I make my lesson interesting?”
“How to make my students listen, participate and engage in my class?”
“How would I be able to push them in reaching the class goal?”
”How could I teach my students to practice good moral values in class?”
“What kind of long-term, monthly, weekly and daily plan that can help my students to succeed and achieve good result?”
“Would I be able to finish all the syllabus before each formative and final test at school when there are so many activities and school holiday take place?"
“Could I be able to walk the talk?”

 

Each time when I think of these, I found myself having headache, difficulty in breathing and heavy heart (just like a large stone pressing my heart). When I come to analyze such symptoms, I know instantly the name of this situation. It is called S.T.R.E.S.S.

 

Well, it is pretty much a personal stress which I am creating to myself and it is bad, real bad. It disturbs my daily functionality and emotion which causes physical and mental exhaustion. I tried as hard as possible not to affect my relationship with my closed ones. It is worse when seeing myself treating people around me badly when there is nothing wrong with them.

 

This Chinese New Year 1 week break should be a relaxing break for my body, mind and soul. However, it turned out to be the opposite. Ironically, my stress level rose up even higher now when I realized I have not done anything yet for my school tomorrow and the week. The journey spent on traveling and running family errands and attending family occasion took up most of my time.

 

A photo taken last year during sunset near my house. The effect is pretty good, don’t you think so?

 

I didn’t know what to do now and I have already shut down myself to not do anything. I need something therapeutic and relaxing at least for this moment. I realize I can’t work and inspire others when I am tired and exhausted. This is what has been emphasized in Teaching As Leadership Comprehensive Rubric – to work relentlessly. It is important to know how to take care of the self (as a teacher) to maximize teaching results in classes. I will put W-1, W-2 and W-3 closely in mind.

 

As for now, I will just shut down myself and sleep. Cheers for a better tomorrow. Good night.

 

P/s: Someone please tell me that feeling stress in the teaching profession is normal.

The Journey Has Just Begun

It’s officially my 3rd week of teaching life, ever since my 2 months of training at IAB, Genting Highlands with other 49 miraculous  Teach For Malaysia fellows and amazing training teams. My journey to end the educational inequity has just begun.

 

It sounds ‘whooaa’ isn’t it?

 

I am not sure how close am I in achieving this HUGE mission because my biggest concerns now are about myself, my students and my school. Those common worries of mine are often sound like this:

 

• How far have I adapted to the new working environment?
• How much have I learned from other experienced teachers?
• How effective is my class management?
• How much can I make my students learn and understand now just academic lessons, but humanity as well?

 

My life now is hard, tough and challenging. Well, I’d prepared myself for these ever since I’ve made up my mind to join Teach For Malaysia, last September. I thought, hey. I am still young and I want to do something big, something meaningful and beneficial to the society. Now I get the chance and I am here, working as a 2 years teacher at a secondary school with 100+ staff and 8 classes (35 X 8=280 students).

    A photo & photo frame gift from Reid. It is not placed on my working table.
Thank you Reid~

 

There were ups and downs in my every teaching day, just like any other teacher in any school. I get to understand why my teachers behave and act at certain ways. Also, I am good at predicting reasons behind no-bringing-books-to-class, late for class after recess and the talkative-phenomenal among the students. Guess, my ability now to understand both teachers’ and students’ shoes will help me in facing, dealing and solving some important but neglected issues such as the liveliness in class, effective lesson planning, strategic cultural management and etc.

 

Just last Friday, I was pretty down because I felt that things that I’d done for the classes in the past 2 weeks were unproductive and meaningless. As my mind was fighting over the down feeling, unexpectedly, a student called me and handed me her artwork. It’s a picture of me. She gave it to me with a smile before leaving the class.

 

 

It’s just simply melted my heart though at this point, I still don’t know what I’ve done for her or them. Somehow, my student’s effort has motivated me to work harder and smarter for them, for my family and for myself despite the hardships. I know I will because I want and I can.

 

 

I don’t know where I am now but I know where I am leading to – to embrace one’s uniqueness and transform one’s life (including mine) to the better.

The 25 Smiling Faces at SMK Ampang Pecah

I miss all the 25 smiling faces at SMK Ampang Pecah.

My mind kept on thinking about them although it has been almost a month I left the school. Teach For Malaysia organized a summer school program called Kem Skorlah on last Nov-Dec 2011. We, the 50 fellows were divided into 2 groups and I was being placed at SMK Ampang Pecah for 4 weeks, teaching Mathematic for Form 4.

 

 

I would say that I am blessed to be placed at this school with my other 25 lovely kids. Oopss, i mean students :)


They were energetic, funny, sincere and most importantly forgiving. I must admit that I did a lot of mistakes back in Kem Skorlah including called wrong names, unstructured Bahasa Melayu and making funny voice, yet they laughed, forgive my mistake and move on… *touched*

I am not an experienced teacher but they are willing to give me a chance/chances to try, learn and execute my crazy plans. Lol.. Could you imagine that a Maths teacher bring a Panda muppet and taught Straight Line (y=mx+c) in class? Or opened the Angry Bird games in the beginning of the class, handing out Angry bird question and taught Angle Elevation and Deviation? Or telling The Smurf story to teach 3 Dimension and Planes chapter?

 

If you were there, I believe you would laughed at my students’ reactions. Hahaha.. now I couldn’t stop smiling while recalling their surprised faces. Probably they have never experience a Maths teacher bringing all those crazy concept… they were like… @_@


Oh my.
I miss them and I wonder how are they at the moment. School has started and they are now officially a Form 5 students. I hope they will work hard and try their best in achieving their dreams. Remember your dreams?

My dear A5 students,
If you are reading this, remember that teacher is always here praying for your success. Pay attention in class. If there are areas that you don’t understand, seek for your teacher’s or friends’ help. You can drop me an email or comment in this blog if you need any help. For now, enjoy your school. Miss you and remember our Tepuk A5 ^_^

Again, I Want, I Can, I Will.

Perfectionism Kills Inspiration

I was always… and still always…

a perfectionist who have the tendency to do and finish work, perfectly perfect.
I would rather delay my time in the search for the ‘Best Inspiration’, and then only commit in doing the work.

 

It happens to my coursework, assignment, housework, making presents and even when it comes to blogging. I find it hard to start a task especially those which I am fully passionately, committed and excited with. Often, I realize I have high hope to make the best work which end up consuming lengthy hours to complete or worse, not doing at all – if inspiration doesn’t hit me. This perfectionism frustrates especially when I procrastinate my work and most of the time, finish at the very last minute.

 

In every last minute work which is imperfectly done, I thought I’d learned my lesson. Every time, I swear and promise to start my future task earlier so that I can complete in time. Well, when you read such ranting post, it’s obvious that my attempt failed… =(

 

I came across with an article, discussing about creative people often procrastinate and delay their work because they want to find the best idea. Perfectionism is a common trait among creative people – and I cheerfully put myself into the group which give me an excuse for my delayed work. Hey, I want the best work ma. So I find the best idea and finish later lor.

 

However, I don’t feel myself productive at all. Looking at my blog achieve for example, I don’t write much blog entries over the years. I realize I wrote the most in the year of 2008 and it reduces throughout the years –

 

Years	Number of blog posts
2007	163
2008	271
2009	181
2010	119
2011	*50

 

Gosh! I only make 50 egg entries so far for this year? o_O

It might due to my buziness and other personal reasons for the reduced number of blog posts. But, I also realize that the other reason is due to my perfectionism. I don’t write if I can’t find the best inspiration. I don’t write if I don’t have the best list of photos. I don’t blog until the so and so reason.

 

Well, I find it hard to simply publish unorganized blog post especially when I have more readers now. I will carefully write and insert photos in each of my blog and it ended up take a very long time. I have this feeling of not wanting to loss my readers (you) with my ‘imperfect post’ for example unedited photos, unorganized thoughts and etc. Thus, there is a tendency to impress my reader more than myself.

 

I don’t mean that carefully organized writing is not good. Of course, I want quality work. Just, I don’t like the idea of losing my spontaneous side  to complexity. This awareness was formed when I visited a bookstore yesterday and I came across with this good book on ‘Creative Writing’. There is a page which written,

 

Postpone perfection

Perfectionism can kill writing, cutting it dead as it tries to emerge. There is a time for perfecting writing and it is not at the outset. But what if you find it painful to produce clumsy, ineffective lines or sentences? You should understand that all writers, even the most experienced, can write badly. The gift of writing is a power that flickers – everyone has mediocre days as well as magical. Try to cultivate an attitude of curiosity.

Book: Creative Writing – Edited by Linda Anderson (page 21)

 

 

I find a strong connection with the above discussion. It’s true. Perfectionism kill my joy of writing sometimes. I was thinking, why perfectionism occur in me?  I shared similar discussion in my last post on the perfectionist nerd. Is it because I am a Virgo? Or is it because I am a right-brainer? Or is it because I am being taught so?

 

It didn’t take me long to come up with a conclusion that, I am afraid to fail. I am afraid to portray a silly side of me. I am afraid to be judged. And, I am afraid to be seen as useless. Thus, I always want to show a stronger intellectual side of me. Probably, this also affects my blogging style – write a Grade A post or don’t write at all… =_=

 

I do admit that I have this perfectionist trait in me. The good news is, it can be balanced up as we aged – said Dr. Diana. And I want to cultivate my magical side through spontaneous writing starting by today. I used to blog very freely back in year 2007-2008 (can be seen on the above table).


I do think that I don’t have to show my perfectionist side in my own personal blog. After all, this is not a professional website. I am allow to make mistake, silly writing and uninteresting post, right?

 

A random photo. This was taken yesterday after my bookstore visit. Met my birdies for maybe the first and last mall gathering. They are Shu Huan and Adibah (Brunei).

Showing the silly sides of me (us) XD

 

It’s time for a change in curryegg. Don’t ask me what will it be because, I don’t know.. yet.. Let’s hope for more eggs in future =P

 

P/s: Wow, I have wrote a lengthy post in a short time without me realizing it. It works! =D

Love Comes When You’re Ready

I was touched listening to my friend’s latest update last night, about her new love journey with a potential guy.

 

She cheerfully said,
“Kelly, I am really happy. Really.”

 

Well, I am not just happy because of her discovery of new love story, but also to be able to see her smile and getting excited again for love and life. There is nothing happier than knowing my friend is enjoying her life and counting blessing each day. That’s such a wonderful news!

 

It reminds me of my own experiences on the decision of finding my own happiness again, not just solely focusing on the search of Mr. Right of course. Before Mr. Right, you have to be Mrs Right, meaning that you have to focus and nurture your own needs first before giving your attention to others. (Related post: Experiences Are The Best Teacher)

 

That explains in Abraham Maslow’s Theory on his Maslow Hierarchy of Needs where we need to fulfill the most fundamental levels of needs before aiming for a higher stage (from psychological needs, safety, love and belonging, esteem and self-actualization). If the basic is not nurtured and fulfilled, the feeling of emptiness and lost take place and you will be demotivated in reaching higher goals. That’s why in Counseling, client is encouraged to understand and work on his/hers needs before focusing on the bigger issue.

 

Cherish every single moment you have. Owned it.

 

That’s what I can see in my friend now. She has stopped her attempt in searching for the right guy. Instead, she left her old scars behind, start focusing on herself by watching her diet, groom herself, have fun with friends and enjoy doing things that she love. In the end of the day, it seems like the ‘right guy’ comes, knocking her door, waiting her to welcome him in to her life… *wink*

 

I feel life is miraculous. Don’t you feel so?
It keeps on giving hopes to people who believe that there is light in the end of every tunnel.


For instance, when you thought that all good guys (girls) are dead and you have no hope in finding one after so many attempts, God thoughtfully choose the right one, put him/her into a box, wrap it carefully with your favorite present paper, finalize it with a ribbon and carefully deliver it to your house. He even rang the door bell before he left the present. Haha.. I know it sounds so much like a children story where you find your present under your Christmas Tree in the next morning. Well, that’s how I visualize my friend’s and mine situation… =P

 

My ‘present’ under the Christmas Tree =D

 

I truly believe in this blog post title, where ‘love comes when you are ready’. Also, love happens when you start to love yourself before sharing it with others.. =)

 

If you have something to share about your love journey, please share with us. I truly believe that every chapter of love and relationship is a gift for self-discovery and personal growth. Write to me at curryegg1[@]gmail.com.

 

I’m listening to:

 

P/s: Always believe that there is light in the end of the tunnel. Have faith =)

Life Isn’t Worth Living Unless..

Life isn't worth living unless you're willing to take some big chances and go for broke." - Eliot Wiggington.

 

 

So,

Don’t settle down for good but always aim for the best.
As life has taught me about its lifespan.
It is short but worth exploring.
As every experience will enrich your life.
So, listen to your heart and achieve your dreams.
Never let others’ voices drown your own,
No matter what will happen in future,
it’s you whom you have to answer.
Go and start living your dreams.
Plan and make moves.
As dream will remain as a dream.
when you don’t walk what you talk.

(kelly tan, 2011)

Remember egg, remember curryegg.

Unlocking The Mystery of 24

I am 24 by now.

 

 

Well, there is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to revealing my new age – yet.
Probably, it is because I still have the number of “2” in front of my age digit which unconsciously forcing my mind to assume that I am still young and I can have all the time that I want.

 

However, after stepping into this new age for 10 days, I feel the opposite. I don’t feel that young anymore as I know it’s time for me to step into the real world called ‘society’. No more day dreaming, no more laying at home, and no more excuse of being a degree student. It’s time.

 

I am only 1 year old =D

 

Time passes so fast that I feel like pausing or at least slowing it down. I am contented and happy with my life right now and people around me can feel my happiness when they witnessed my ‘weight-gained phenomena’. Gosh! Well, I hope things will stay permanent although I know, life wouldn’t allow it to happen. It constantly wants us to keep learning and growing by arranging tougher test each time we’d successfully tackled the previous one. I know it sounds greedy. But I can’t help as it’s  part of human’s nature to desire security.

 

Unstructured and complicated but very artistic roots. I want my life to be as adventurous as this tree’s roots.

 

There are fears as well as excitements when I am making my move into this new age as things will start to be different – very different in fact. For sure, it will be another transition of my life where I will enter the society, work in new environment, hold bigger responsibilities and make contribution.

 

The city seems to have listened to my inner voice where it becomes quiet and romantic on my B-day. Less traffic with beautiful sky. Thank you =)

 

While sitting at this corner blogging about my future, I can’t deny that there is still a sense of fear and worry. The picture of ‘unknown’ is kinda scary. I don’t know how fast I can make adjustment. I don’t know how far my loved ones are able to adjust with my new life. I don’t know how capable am I in facing the new challenges.

 

One of my favorite parts of the movie.

 

At some points, I know there is no use to worry about the future as no one is able to predict the future (except God). This has reminded me about a quote from Kung Fu Panda (2008) which I recently re-watched with Calv:

 

Po (panda): Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles.

Oogway: Quit, don't quit? Noodles, don't noodles? You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present."

 

 

I don’t know what kind of life am I leading to but I am eager to explore and make good use of every experience I encounter. I still remember the dreams that I have owned since many years ago. I believe in everything happens for a reason(s). So, there is no use to be too worried, right?

 

After all, life is too short to be wasted with worries. Why not just let my 24th journey unlock by itself.

        Love ^_^

 

Thank you to all my loyal readers for following my blogs all these while. You guys have brighten up my days and adding meaning into my life with your constant visits and comments in this blog, twitter and FB page. I am thankful and touched. May your days be blessed with abundance of loves, joys and happiness.. =)

 

P/s: Those who can create history – and I am going to be one. Are you coming with me?

Who Am I? Where Am I Leading To?

I came across with my old writing which I’d written couple of years ago. I still remember how I was being complimented in front of the class for doing a good job in the given assignment. Two questions were given:

 

Who Am I?
Where Am I Leading To?

 

This is my very first work which received encouraging comment from my lecturer. I feel appreciated for the work I’d done and no one realized there was actually tears in my eyes while hearing upon Dr Haslee’s compliment.

 

So, I thought of sharing my old work here as a token of appreciation and gratitude from me. Well, I’m sharing it not just because of the ‘assignment’ which I’d done but it’s more of my sharing on my personal thoughts of the two questions.

 

This is a highly reflective post.

 

*****

 

Who am I?
I’m Kelly Tan

Who am I?
I’m a soon-to-be 21 years old Chinese girl.

Who am I?
I’m a 2^nd year counseling student in University of Malaya.

Who am I?
I’m a good, beautiful daughter in the family.

Who am I?
I’m a Malaysian.

Who am I?
I’m a great thinker.

Who am I?
I’m a human being.

Who am I?
I’m somebody who lives on the earth.

Who am I?
I’m an organism.

Who am I?
I’m who I am.

Who am I?
I’ m nobody.

Who am I?
Tell me, who am I?

Who am I?
I don’t know.

Who am I?
Great. I’m lost.

Who am I?
No answer

*speechless*

 

*****

 

I remember how I was being asked with the same question repeatedly in my Yoga class by my course mate during in the month of May 2008. It was my semester break and my father and I signed up for the Art of Living classes in one of the centre in Kuala Lumpur. For your information, the Art of Living is an organization which teaches the society on how to practice a healthier and happier lifestyle.

 

 

You must be surprised why I was being asked with the same question “Who am I” for thousands of times. Well, it’s in our syllabus during in my yoga classes. Other than increasing one’s physical health, the guru of The Art of Living is also taking a serious attention on one’s mental health. That’s mean other than teaching yoga like stretches, breathing and meditation, this course is also helping the people in increasing the awareness on how we think and behave in our everyday life.

 

I should say, I love this course and it has changed the way I perceive the world indirectly. It’s about spirituality and I find out that it’s really helpful for my individual development and at the same time increase my understanding about human and life. There is no scientific theories like in the books, but it’s about one’s finding and understanding about the fact of life.

 

Coming back to our question on “Who Am I?” you must be wondering why we were being asked for so many time on that same simple question. Of course, there are reasons for everything. If you realize on how I answered the question from the very beginning until the end, you will notice that I’m no longer able to answer the question confidently. It’s simply because, I am lost. It’s not because of I’m confused with my identity or I’ve no confidence in myself. It’s merely because of I’ve realized something importance behind this question.

 

 

Spending a little moment thinking of the question, I’ve realized that the outer part of me is actually a cover and my identity for example my name, religion, nationality, gender, age, IC number and etc is actually a label to differentiate me from the others. Let say, if one day, someone (allow me to put it as God) takes away my identity and change the way I look out of the sudden. Am I still the same 21 year old, cute little Kelly Tan girl who is following Dr Haslee’s class in University of Malaya? What if I’ve been changed into a male with the name of Bill Gates who is 7 year old? Am I still who I am? Physically, I may not but mentally and spiritually, I’m still the same person.

 

I may sound a little illogic or too fantasy but I’ve the points here.

 

I wonder, what if one day I am accidentally being knocked down by a car and I’ve a serious injury on my brain and encounter a long term memory lost, what will happen to me? I believe I will no longer know who am I, not even knowing my name, my gender, my nationality, my family, my friends nor my dreams. It’s like reformatting your computer and everything has to start from the very beginning again. So, will that mean I am a new person with new memory?

 

 

Or maybe I don’t encounter any memory lost, but instead, I’ve done a plastic surgery on my face because of my strong dissatisfaction on my look. So, happily my small-little-sleepy-eyes have turned into a pair of big-attractive-eyes, with higher nose like Nicole Kidman while my body has transformed into Jessica Alba’s hot body figure.

 

It sounds great isn’t it because I will soon expect high admiration from the society and who knows, if I’m lucky enough I may get a big contract from those big entertainment industries to get me working with them. Isn’t it fantastic? It’s like every girl’s dream. So, is that means changing my physical look will make me a brand new person?

 

Honestly, both of these situations don’t make me think that I’ve turned into a new person. I mean, physically yes, I am a new person but for the inner part of me, I am still who I am since the day I was born. It’s like changing the cover of your mobile phone from black to pink and with different design. Will that make any differences on your mobile phone memory capacity, the operation system and the function? Obviously, the answer is “no”. It’s still the same mobile phone you have before.

 

Again, who am I

From that very short moment when I was being threw with the same question for several times during in my yoga class, I’ve realized that I’m actually a nobody. Nobody here means that I don’t depend on my name, status, age, religion, nationality and any other physical label to make me who I am. For example, if my name is Mei Li (Chinese means beautiful) it doesn’t make me a beautiful girl and my ethnicity as a Chinese doesn’t make me a genius in Mathematic. It’s just a label and I don’t have to be one if I’m not one of them.

 

 

Basically, nobody here means I am actually like everybody else in the society who owns the same body parts (brain, organs and etc), share the same opportunity to success, having choice to choose to have a happy life and anything a human can do.

 

Every human is actually the same and there is nothing to be proud of when I own something and others don’t. For example the amount of money I own in the bank; my reputation at work; the grades which I achieve in exam and the type of car I have doesn’t make me a special person. I’m still the same person as I am although I don’t own any of these. So, I will never draw any border between me and others. Well, why should I?

 

I should say, my granny’s death has taught me an important lesson. I was there when she exhaled her last breath in the hospital, about 50 days ago and she brings nothing with her. Not even a single penny. From that moment, I start to remember what my granny told me before “You come with nothing and you go with nothing”.

 

 

Well, she is right. No matter how many properties we have, still you can’t bring any of them along during your death. And she added, “But you can bring happiness into others and go with joy and peace”.

 

I guess, she is right. All of her family members (including me), her old friends and people around the residential area cried when she leaves the world. She was a very helpful lady and was willing to lend a hand to anybody who needed her help. For some reasons, I really admire my grandma and she has supported my view that, I am nobody once I leave the world.

 

Somehow, having this point of view which stating I am actually a ‘nobody’ doesn’t mean I am depressed and I should leave my life entirely to luck and fate. It’s untrue. Keeping my mind to think that I’m nobody will remind me to be humble and accept others as who they are. I shall not let my self-ego differentiate me from the others. For example, if I’m talented in music, I shouldn’t look down on the others who don’t have any talent in this field. If I do look down on others, it means that I’m ego of my own ability and unconsciously, I will start drawing a line and differentiate me from the others. That is when we start labelling, judging and categorizing others and we will never get the chance to know others better.

 

When I have this point of view that I’m actually a ‘nobody’, it will allow me to accept others openly. At the same time, I don’t feel I’m weird or the weak one in the society since I’m actually the same as others. Besides, it allows me to approach others more intimately and friendly.

 

 

Therefore, having the thought that I’m a ‘nobody’ will actually help me in understanding myself and others better as everyone is unique and has their own values. Furthermore, it helps me in achieving my dreams- to make life a celebration and to make a difference in other’s lives.

 

Yes. I do have dream and long term goal and I’m going to achieve them.

 

 

Ever since my granny has passed away, I’ve been thinking of why human lives are so fragile? I can go in any minute while typing this assignment. No one can ever predict future, except God. Since no one can control the future, I shall use my life meaningfully and beneficially. I don’t want to waste any of my precious moment and that’s for sure.

 

So, where am I leading to?

 

Well, I will ask this question whenever I am lost and demotivated. Surprisingly, it will keep me on track whenever I’m aware of my answer. My main objective will be spreading and bringing joy and happiness into other’s lives. It may sound a little childish. Well, who cares? I love having this objective. In fact, it keeps my life happy as well. I guess, this is the reason why I’m taking counseling at the very first place. Counseling is about helping people to help themselves for a better, happier life and I enjoy being one of the helper.

 

 

Knowing my goal and objective, I’m trying to keep myself on the right track to become a counselor. I know it’s not easy to be a successful counselor as one must have good communication skills, effective interpersonal skills, theories and counseling skills. Well, I will never worry about myself as I know I will be a registered counselor in the future. Yes. I know I will.

 

Besides being a counselor, I want to be an active social worker. This thought has never come across my mind until recently. Right now, I am a helper in a deaf organization namely RC Deaf Mission and I enjoy helping around like selling cards, introducing RC Deaf Mission to the society and being an interpreter between the deaf and hearing people. I’ve never known how much the disability people need help and support from the society until I’d signed up for a sign language course not long ago during in my semester break (May 2008).

 

I get the chance to communicate with the deaf and I’m glad they allow me to enter their world – The world of silence. I have learned a lot from the deaf like never give up in life as nobody is perfect and we should create our perfect lives. I even start to understand their feeling when the society is isolating them. That’s why most of the company doesn’t hire any deaf workers.

 

 

Frankly, I love mixing with them as they always teach me something new about life. Because of this, I have a bigger dream which is to involve myself in more social work. As I believe, there are more people who need help from the society like the children in Myanmar, Si Chuan, the blind, orphan and etc.

 

Other than this, I wish to be a journalist or maybe a writer who able to touch the readers’ hearts. I love writing and sharing thoughts and knowledge with others. It will be great if my writing can share something beneficial with the others. Other than increasing my knowledge in counseling, I should improve my language in order to sharpen my writing and speaking skills.

 

Last but not least, I should improve myself in every aspects of my life including health, mental, personality, behavior, communication skills, and moral values. Besides, I shall not forget my family and friends who have been supporting me all the time. I will never want my family being abandoned by me if one day I may get busy at work in the future. I want to have a happy family (parents, husband and children) and at the same time securing my dream job. Of course, it’s not easy but this is what I’m leading to.

 

 

I believe if I don’t take any commitment in improving myself, it’s meaningless to help others when I, myself need to be helped. In order to achieve my dream, I’ve to be patience and hardworking all the time. It is not easy to achieve any dream, including mine. So, I will always keep that in mind on where I am leading to so that I’m always on the right track.

 

So, who am I?
Where am I leading to?

I guess, I have answered the questions…

 

p/s: It’s good to re-read what I’ve sincerely written. There are changes in these 2 years but my view on who am I and my objectives in life are still in line. Even if there are changes, they are for good.

Simple Effort Creates Simple Happiness

Yesterday, I have earned a lesson that a simple thing can create simple happiness. So real, so genuine. In fact, I know this simple fact of life. Just, it feels so good to experience it, again by myself (instead of reading and listening from others).

 

More than often, we are so paralyzed with the idea of getting the latest, best, branded stuff in town to make people around us happy. Example, like getting them a pair of Jimmy Choo's shoes, hot-selling LV bag, expensive 5 stars restaurant, Audi R8, iPhone or etc. Thank to the power of advertisement that work so well in creating such a picture in our minds. It is sounds like, if you don’t have them, you are not happy.

 

Well, I did think so. I feel that if only if I can get stuff with certain standard and criteria, only I am able to  impress and make them happy. That is why, I always have this desire to earn the best amount of money so that I am able to pamper my loved ones someday, including my parents, partner, friends and siblings.

 

I thought I am not capable of creating any happiness in others at the moment, because I do not have strong buying power. After yesterday incident, my thought has changed.

 

It is all because of the bowl of mee suah soup I made and the precious smile I received that have enlighten my mind. It touches my heart and unconsciously teaching me the meaning of real happiness with minimal involvement of money, but with great amount of care and love.

 

Not the one I made but look something like this. Photo from link.

 

This has reminded me of all the people whom have treated me well throughout my 24 years including my grandmas, parents, aunties, uncles, siblings, teachers and friends. Each and every effort they have made for me, like making meals for me so that I won’t get hungry, provide me shelter so that I can have a place call home, accompanying me with jokes so that I can laugh when I am feeling down, punishing me so that I know what is right and wrong, and fetching me to school so that I can have a promising future.

 

These small little efforts are what actually making me happy all these while, and not those shinning bags, silky dress or cool gadget. And, I am happy that I can actually instill happiness in others too with my simple effort.

 

Just a scene of seeing someone you love, sipping noodles joyously, enjoying every drop of homemade soup and ending the meal with a smile of satisfaction makes me happy. As simple as that with no condition apply. I am grateful to own such a beautiful moment at an unexpected hour… =P

Now I understand why my aunt, grandma and dad enjoy cooking. Because, it can be an addiction to receive another priceless expression again, and again. And I am good in it too (cos I love food!).

 

Like this -----------------> =D

 

P/s: Btw, don’t get me wrong. Money is still an important element to sustain life. My point is, we don’t have to spend much to make someone happy. Forget about the price tag and look for sincerity and love.. =)

 

P/s/s: I have the urge to sing, “It’s not about the money, money, money, we don’t need your money, money, money, we just wanna make the world dance, forget about the price tag” – Jessie J